It has been awhile since I shared what is going on with our adoption. Not because nothing is happening, but because it is just too hard to share all the details
while it is happening. Adoption is so complicated, it is beautiful, heartbreaking, joyful and agonizing. In the end this is how our children come to our family and I am eternally grateful for our two amazing sons.
We have recently experienced our fifth failed adoption. Five.
It is hard to believe that in four weeks our lives have changed so much, and yet not at all. I have been meaning to journal about this and have had a hard time wrapping my head around it, the possible joy coupled with the uncertainty.
One month ago a little boy was born in a hospital near our home. This little boy was born on May 21 to a birthmom who was due on July 10. He was 7 weeks early and 4 lbs. 1 oz, 16 1/2 inches long. This birthmom knew that this little boy was meant to be placed for adoption. She had a very strong conviction of that fact. Because he came almost 2 months early she had not chosen a family to place her little one with.
The whole situation was changing by the day. Our agency contacted us on May 24 with the news of Little One and wanted to know if we were interested. We were so excited! At first I was just so happy, he was here and we wouldn't have to wait weeks or months for the delivery. The birthmom was ready to place and knew it is what should happen.
Then the other shoe fell. We found out that the birthfather was not consenting. It was just crushing. . . Could we do that again? I just didn't know if I could go through that again. Our agency was still consulting with their attorney and trying to figure out what would/should happen in order for this to move forward. We were getting updated information several times a day.
In the middle of all the phone calls and emails, the birthmother chose our family. When we got the call it was like a two edged sword. She felt so sure that we were the ones. But frankly we were not sure. We thought and prayed about it and told the agency that we felt the birthfather component was too much. We told them that even though we were chosen, the most recent information they gave us on the birthfather was too volatile for our family. We had to pass up this option.
The next morning we received another phone call. The birthmom really wanted us. They asked if the birthfather risk was not there would we be able to move forward. We said yes, that was the only thing standing in our way. So, they proposed a possible placement. We would not pay any fees now, we would not take custody (or have to tell our boys) until it was certain he could legally be ours. It was emotionally risky, but we felt like it was worth the risk if it could be done.
Eight days after the birth, bithmom signed relinquishment
papers, but baby was still not legally available for adoption. The
birthmom had not seen the birthfather since March (he is in prison) but
he knew about the adoption plan (and was not supportive), but did not know
that the baby was born 7-weeks early. Our birthmom wrote him a letter
explaining things and sent him the legal papers to sign to consent. He had until June 21 (30 days from the birth) to file the necessary
papers to stop the adoption from happening. So, we would have to wait 1 month to see if he would actually contest the adoption.
When the baby was 11 days old we got to meet him and the birthmom at the hospital. She was very open and shared so many of her feelings with us. In the Newborn ICU (NICU) they only allow 2 visitors at a time. So, birthmom and I went in to see the baby. He was so small, he was 4 lbs. 4 oz. at the time. All wrapped up in blankets and a little nose peeking out. She held him and kissed him and said it was hard to see him and say goodbye, but she knew this was right for him. Then she handed the baby to me and said, "Look, this is your mommy." I was just so emotional.
I got to hold him and he was just perfect and tiny. Then Dave joined us. They bent the rules and all of us got to be there and hold him and love him.
Although the agency had official custody of him, we were his "foster parents." We visited him everyday at the hospital, we got to feed him, bathe him, change his diapers. The doctors estimated he would be in the NICU for 4-6 weeks. By the time he was ready to be released, we would know if he could be ours.
Things were looking really good. We had not heard anything from the agency on the birthfather, so we thought maybe he had a change of heart and would not contest. On June 19, just a couple of days before the June 21 deadline, we got the news.
Although the birthfather had not yet met the legal requirements set forth by the law he had an ex-girlfriend calling the agency (multiple times) claiming "power of attorney" and wanted custody of the baby. She, as requested by the birthfather, planned to raise the child with another child she was raising, who is a half-sibling. The birthmom called the birthfather (BF) in prison and he reiterated again he did not want an adoption to happen. He wanted the ex-girl friend to raise the baby and would fight an adoption.
It was hard to get the news. I had a lot of feelings and questions. If the BF had not met the legal requirements and the baby could legally be placed, should we do it? Would our family be put at risk when the BF got out of prison? The birthmom still had contact, so any information we gave her would also go to him. Could we live with that concern? Clearly the BF lacks judgement and could our family be placed in a violent situation? What is best for Spencer and Jacob? We already loved this boy, could we just walk away? Would I be looking over my shoulder for the next 18 years?
It was a volatile time to say the least. I was filled with love, guilt, fear. . . I just needed some clarity on this. More then anything we just wanted to do what was right. Dave and I talked late into the night and tried to find our feet. I asked Dave to give me a blessing, because I really needed some divine guidance. In the blessing I was told to fast, pray and read the scripture for guidance and that all my feeling of insecurity would be replaced by peace. I knew that we would be able to make the "right" choice.
The next day was spent fasting, praying and reading the scriptures. We both counseled with our parents and spent a lot of time talking and pondering. My feelings of guilt and fear were replaced by a calm peaceful feeling. I was filled with love for this little boy and also for my husband and sons. This gradual feeling of letting go was just there. Dave and I both felt the same answer. This little boy was not meant to be ours. . . . and it was okay.
I am not sure why we had to go through this. Maybe it was to provide a buffer between the birthparents and this little boy's forever family. To give him another layer of security. Maybe it is just part of learning to be more compassionate, or that we have honed our skills on seeking revelation. I just don't know. What I do know is that the Savior mends broken hearts and that His plan for our family is perfect. All we need to do is have the strength to learn His will and obey.
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