William Qiang

All was right with the world. Zoe was home and our family was complete. The year we brought our girls home was incredible, both the joys and the stresses were magnified. Finally, I felt like we were in steady state. We were settling in to a new routine.  Spencer and Jacob were in elementary school and Ella and Luke were in preschool. Just me and Zo-Zo together for a few hours in the morning.  Dave had gotten a promotion at work and it felt good to be thinking about saving more for retirement instead of paying adoption fees.

Occasionally Dave and I would be sitting and one of us would say, “I’m so glad I’m not out there.” People usually use this phase to talk about the dating world. But Dave and I would use it to talk about the adoption world. After a decade of working through infertility and then joining the adoption world, it felt so good to be “not out there.”

Then one Sunday morning I get an email from one of my Facebook groups. Someone was talking about Vietnam opening and asking about travel times. What?! Vietnam was open? Out of sheer curiosity I headed to my favorite Vietnam Adoption Blog and started reading about the program and seeing what is happening. I looked at a couple of adoption agencies too. One thing I noticed were the qualification to adopt, you could only have 4 children.  This kind of made me stop and think. Why would I care about the qualifications?  Remember, “I’m so glad I’m not out there.” 

So, one program lead to another and was looking to see what we would qualify for. I remember clearly. I was giving Zoe a bath for church and Dave came in and I told him I was looking at programs that morning.  Like, “How crazy is that?” Then Dave said, “It’s not crazy.”  I felt like if he could be open to one more child, then maybe I could be open too.  However, Dave added, that most of the day to day work with the kids falls on me and he wouldn’t want to make some unilateral decision when it would mostly impact my routine.

I thought about that for the rest of the day. Just yesterday we were so glad “not to be out there,” now? I was curious just also hesitant. So on Monday morning I reached out to some of my adoption contacts to see what was happening. I wanted to cast my bread upon the water. I knew that I could not do a domestic adoption again, I sill get a pit in my stomach and a tightening in my throat thinking of going through that process. Many foreign adoptions we don’t qualify for, either we have too many kids or with China Special Needs we don’t qualify because of my anti-anxiety medication.

It seemed pretty cut and dried, not a whole lot of options. I was kind of relieved. On Tuesday I had emailed our Japan agency to see if they ever do toddler adoption or Special needs adoption. They said the Japan program was quite small and only on occasion do they have special needs.

On Wednesday morning I emailed again to ask about timelines for Japan. I got a quick reply with some general information. Japan was such a long wait. Did I really want to be 45 with a newborn? That did not sound appealing. Things were so good we have five kids, five. All my dreams of motherhood have been fulfilled in spades. Why in the last 72 hours had I been checking into programs? This was nuts,

Dave was on a business trip to San Francisco.  I forwarded the email from the agency with the timeline for Japan and just said, “Is this crazy to even be thinking about this?” I was just so unsure.

I took a moment alone. The kids were napping and I was in the kitchen. I just stopped and said a prayer. I took an honest and sincere look at what we should do. “Should we be doing this?” At that moment I had one of the most profound and sacred feelings. I heard a rushing sound and my whole body just radiated “Yes.” It was overwhelming. I couldn’t catch my breath. It was an undeniable answer. I was almost dazed from the experience.

I just sat down at my desk and pondered what had just happened and I asked myself. Why would I have such a profound experience? It has only been a few days. Then I got the very distinct impression that there was a little boy with a club foot perhaps some other orthopedic need and I needed to have that experience because he would be coming soon and we needed to be prepared.

I checked my email and Dave responded to my “Is this crazy to even be thinking about this?” He said one word, “No.” and sent a link to a clip for the film Ocean’s Eleven. George Clooney is talking to Brad Pitt in a one-sided conversation. Clooney says, “Saul makes ten, that ought to do it right? (pause) You think we need one more? (pause) You think we need more. (pause) Alright we’ll get one more.” 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcRvN2gtPiw

This email and video clip lightened my heart. Dave was onboard. I emailed him back at once and said, “Yes. . . . I think. . . one more.” I was looking forward to telling him about my experience when he came home from his trip. I guess we were going to start really looking and thinking about programs.

That night my parents invited us over for dinner since Dave was out of town and the kids love some grandma and grandpa time. My mom was in the kitchen preparing dinner and I was keeping her company while Grandpa was with the kids. I know it had only been a few days, but I felt promoted to tell my mom about us thinking about adopting again. The look on my mom’s face was priceless. Total surprise, almost as if she didn’t believe me. She said, “I thought you were done.” I told her I thought so too. Last week I was saying, “I’m so glad I’m not out there.”

I confided to my mom that I thought that we should, but felt hesitant because it is such a difficult process. My mom was there to listen and was a great sounding board. In the past Dave and I have always had a solid plan in place before we shared details with family. But it felt right to tell her.

Dinner was almost ready and I did a quick check of my email and there was an email from Kelsey, at our Japan agency. I thought it was odd since I never replied to her email earlier that day but thought maybe there as some other detail she wanted to share. Instead I read this:

I literally just logged onto the CCCWA site and there is a 7 month old boy with club foot and finger/toe deformity. Cuter than cute...special focus. He will be matched quick though!

I was stunned. Just a few hours after my experience I get this email. No preamble. No explanation.  Just an email saying a boy with a club foot and other orthopedic needs was available. I just sat there in disbelief. A little boy, with a club foot and orthopedic needs.

I told my parents to go on with dinner without me and called Kelsey. She told me that the wrong special need was listed on his quick view profile and if it has been listed correctly he would probably already be matched. I told her we were very interested in that type of special need, but we did not qualify for China adoption because I was taking anti-anxiety medication. Kelsey told me that in January they changed their policy and did allow anti-anxiety medication if it did not impede the ability to parent.

This was surreal.

She asked me if I wanted her to lock the file for our family, so we could review it. I told her yes, yes! She told me she’d send me the email and we’d have about 48 hours to review it and see if we wanted to move forward. She sent the file and it just sat there in my inbox. I couldn’t open it, I needed to call Dave.

I called Dave and I have no memory of what I said. I think I just sounded completely unintelligible.  I tried to explain about my experience and the  impression and Kelsey’s phone call. So much had happened today how could I explain it all? Finally Dave said, ”I keep looking in my inbox for the file. Have you sent it?” I told him I haven’t opened it yet, still sounding dazed I’m sure. I can see Dave’s sweet smile when he said, “Why don’t you send me the file.” my calming force. Then I opened the file and saw his face.

It was so emotional, so surreal, so unexpected. We hadn’t signed with an agency, we hadn’t chosen a program, we hadn’t talked about what we were open to.  I was just trying to wrap my head around it. All I could think of was how this all sounded to Dave. When he left for San Francisco (48 hours ago) it was situation normal. Now I am emailing him this little boy’s file saying, “Do you think he’s our son?” I know I would feel confused and shocked. If I had not had the experience I did, how would I respond if Dave sent me the file and had an unintelligible conversation between sobs and unorganized thoughts?

Dave flew home the next day. All I could do was think about this little guy. I felt like this was a miracle in every sense of the word. When Dave came home we were able to talk about it face to face. We also had priesthood blessings to help us know what was right.  We stayed up late talking and both felt at peace.

The next morning we called Kelsey and said yes.

After that it was a whirlwind of paperwork. We still had to apply to the program and signup with the agency. We need a homestudy, (homestudy #11 for those of you keep track at home), fingerprints, reference letters, background checks, employment letters, immigration approval, the whole nine yards. We had months of paperwork ahead of us before we could bring this little guy home, but there was no doubt he was our son.

We have named him William Qiang (chee-yang) Stirling. Qiang means "strength" in Chinese.